Post by Nicole Schaffrich on Oct 8, 2011 12:57:48 GMT -6
What the hell is going on?! My mind is reeling right now. I'm starting to realize that a major component of this game is properly managing your paranoia; I constantly ask myself whether I'm being perceptive or just blowing things out of proportion. And since Kent's and Ragan's unsurprising evictions, I can say I've done a bit of both.
Let me start with my relationship with Jun. There was a time when I considered Jun my strongest ally...and while that's still true (to a certain extent), I find my trust in her rising and falling every day. I know that she's speaking to everyone and I'm 100% certain that she's intimating deals (albeit in very subtle, discreet ways) to the people she claims she wants to evict. She's extremely paranoid and confrontational, immediately targetting anyone who says even the slightest thing that isn't in her favour. And when I encourage her to take it easy, she parrots my opinions as a means of placating me. Honey, I'm not a child; I know what you're doing. Jun has told me, point blank, that her goal is to play an immaculate social game because she wants to see if she's lost her touch since playing several other online reality games when she was in middle school. I really get the sense that Jun thinks she can play me like a fiddle. So I feed this notion by constantly posing questions and asking for advice. Jun needs to feel like she's the leader and, while I find that annoying and personally insulting, I'm more than happy to oblige her for the sake of the game. I should also mention that the number of times Jun begins a conversation with the phrase "Porsche and I were talking..." has really begun to get on my nerves. I've obviously been shunted to third-wheel status. But actually, this might not be a bad thing. Porsche and Jun have told me, on several occasions, that other houseguests have approached them with deals. It's very peculiar that so many people would try to form an alliance with the same two people; clearly, those two people (Jun and Porsche) are doing something to attract these offers. Do I want my name involved in that? Absolutely not. Once people start talking and realize that Jun and Porsche have some sort of quasi-deal with everyone in the house, they're going to get Ragan-ed the fuck out, one after the other.
I have to confess, however, that I only came to this line of thinking today, and I made a move that could seriously compromise my game in the meantime. I was somewhat upset at Jun and Porsche yesterday. This time, they told me that Parker had tried to initiate a three-person deal; they called him a rat and said he needed to be evicted. I was bitter about how close Jun and Porsche had become, I was upset that Parker would offer them a deal without ever extending a similar offer to me, and I saw a potential opening to cause a bit of tension while keeping myself safe (or so I thought). I decided to spill the beans to Parker that his name was being brought up. He threw a fit immediately, demanding to know who was suggesting he be nominated. I held out on giving him a specific name, and said that it was a newbie who has been talking to everyone. I was never explicit in my words, but I essentially sold out Jun to Parker. He didn't seem able to put the pieces together but was very upset. I told him that I had his back and that he had nothing to worry about, but I've barely spoken to him since. In fact, when I tried to speak to him again today, he basically brushed me off. I fear that this was a total misstep on my part. With people like Jun and Porsche playing so hard, I really have no reason to scheme and stir the pot; why should I have to put a target on myself for no reason? I want to become a likeable person and a strong competitive player, not someone that people suspect of spreading rumours and starting drama. I just hope that my decision to talk to Parker doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. That was an example of my paranoia getting the better of me. I need to rely on my critical thinking, my rationality, and my common sense to get me through this game. I can't make snap decisions like this one anymore.
Meanwhile, an entirely new phase in the game unraveled today, bringing with it yet another layer of the paranoia I'm trying to avoid. Porsche told me that she was suspicious of April after seeing her name come up in Annie's Season 7 Diary Room sessions. A light bulb went off in my head. I, too, saw April's name when reading through Annie's DR confessionals, but I assumed it referred to April Lewis; I never checked the memory wall to see if April Lewis was in Season 7 of Big Brother Recycled. As it turns out, neither April Lewis nor April Dowling appears on the Season 7 Memory Wall. But the archival episodes mention that she was expelled. When I performed a site-specific Google search of the name April, her diary room and voting history appeared in the results list, but the pages wouldn't open because of an error (the boards didn't exist, the prompt reported). Suddenly, everything began to come into focus. April was the first person to check in on Day One. Jordan unexpectedly chose April to play in the Veto competition. April is a veteran posing as a newbie. We've already seen the Redemption element of this season's twist. Maybe April is the Blindside. Interestingly, both Jun and Porsche said that April hardly speaks to them. Meanwhile, I speak to April all the time! In fact, she's probably one of the people to whom I feel closest! But, for one reason or another, I've never actually told Jun about my relationship with April. At first, it was just because April and I never really talk game; we just tell each other about ourselves. But as time went by, I realized that April might be a serious asset to me (one that I didn't want to share). At this point, I'm torn. Is April a threat to the rest of the newbies but not to me? Or is she just as dangerous to my lifespan in the game?
The last thing I want to mention is Ragan's outburst before his eviction. It seems that most of his rant was fabricated. Something about sharing a twist with Dustin didn't seem believable. And while I certainly raised an eyebrow about the Porsche/Renny rumour, I wasn't too concerned. The real issue was Ragan defending his comment about Jordan being a "temporary player," to borrow the term from Christine on Survivor. Porsche herself ratted out Ragan to Jordan about this comment (which I find fishy). But she also mentioned it to other houseguests as well. How can we possibly know which person told Ragan that Jordan knew what he had said? As Porsche expressed these misgivings to me, I couldn't help but wonder about how close Porsche and Jordan really are. To top it off, Porsche then interrogated Jun about indirectly offering Jordan some kind of deal. Jun was deny-deny-denying until Porsche provided the textual evidence. As Jun continued to deflect, it became even clearer that both she and Porsche have been facilitating alliances with practically everyone in the house, both together and alone.
In the end, I find myself itching for Jun to be evicted from the house. My oscillating trust in her is just not enough. The truth is this: she knows way too much about me and I don't know that she isn't relaying my information back to others; it seems like precisely the kind of game she came in to play. If I win HoH, I can't say I'd nominate her. But if someone like Karen or Sarah wins... Well, then I'll have to work my magic and see what happens.
Let me start with my relationship with Jun. There was a time when I considered Jun my strongest ally...and while that's still true (to a certain extent), I find my trust in her rising and falling every day. I know that she's speaking to everyone and I'm 100% certain that she's intimating deals (albeit in very subtle, discreet ways) to the people she claims she wants to evict. She's extremely paranoid and confrontational, immediately targetting anyone who says even the slightest thing that isn't in her favour. And when I encourage her to take it easy, she parrots my opinions as a means of placating me. Honey, I'm not a child; I know what you're doing. Jun has told me, point blank, that her goal is to play an immaculate social game because she wants to see if she's lost her touch since playing several other online reality games when she was in middle school. I really get the sense that Jun thinks she can play me like a fiddle. So I feed this notion by constantly posing questions and asking for advice. Jun needs to feel like she's the leader and, while I find that annoying and personally insulting, I'm more than happy to oblige her for the sake of the game. I should also mention that the number of times Jun begins a conversation with the phrase "Porsche and I were talking..." has really begun to get on my nerves. I've obviously been shunted to third-wheel status. But actually, this might not be a bad thing. Porsche and Jun have told me, on several occasions, that other houseguests have approached them with deals. It's very peculiar that so many people would try to form an alliance with the same two people; clearly, those two people (Jun and Porsche) are doing something to attract these offers. Do I want my name involved in that? Absolutely not. Once people start talking and realize that Jun and Porsche have some sort of quasi-deal with everyone in the house, they're going to get Ragan-ed the fuck out, one after the other.
I have to confess, however, that I only came to this line of thinking today, and I made a move that could seriously compromise my game in the meantime. I was somewhat upset at Jun and Porsche yesterday. This time, they told me that Parker had tried to initiate a three-person deal; they called him a rat and said he needed to be evicted. I was bitter about how close Jun and Porsche had become, I was upset that Parker would offer them a deal without ever extending a similar offer to me, and I saw a potential opening to cause a bit of tension while keeping myself safe (or so I thought). I decided to spill the beans to Parker that his name was being brought up. He threw a fit immediately, demanding to know who was suggesting he be nominated. I held out on giving him a specific name, and said that it was a newbie who has been talking to everyone. I was never explicit in my words, but I essentially sold out Jun to Parker. He didn't seem able to put the pieces together but was very upset. I told him that I had his back and that he had nothing to worry about, but I've barely spoken to him since. In fact, when I tried to speak to him again today, he basically brushed me off. I fear that this was a total misstep on my part. With people like Jun and Porsche playing so hard, I really have no reason to scheme and stir the pot; why should I have to put a target on myself for no reason? I want to become a likeable person and a strong competitive player, not someone that people suspect of spreading rumours and starting drama. I just hope that my decision to talk to Parker doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. That was an example of my paranoia getting the better of me. I need to rely on my critical thinking, my rationality, and my common sense to get me through this game. I can't make snap decisions like this one anymore.
Meanwhile, an entirely new phase in the game unraveled today, bringing with it yet another layer of the paranoia I'm trying to avoid. Porsche told me that she was suspicious of April after seeing her name come up in Annie's Season 7 Diary Room sessions. A light bulb went off in my head. I, too, saw April's name when reading through Annie's DR confessionals, but I assumed it referred to April Lewis; I never checked the memory wall to see if April Lewis was in Season 7 of Big Brother Recycled. As it turns out, neither April Lewis nor April Dowling appears on the Season 7 Memory Wall. But the archival episodes mention that she was expelled. When I performed a site-specific Google search of the name April, her diary room and voting history appeared in the results list, but the pages wouldn't open because of an error (the boards didn't exist, the prompt reported). Suddenly, everything began to come into focus. April was the first person to check in on Day One. Jordan unexpectedly chose April to play in the Veto competition. April is a veteran posing as a newbie. We've already seen the Redemption element of this season's twist. Maybe April is the Blindside. Interestingly, both Jun and Porsche said that April hardly speaks to them. Meanwhile, I speak to April all the time! In fact, she's probably one of the people to whom I feel closest! But, for one reason or another, I've never actually told Jun about my relationship with April. At first, it was just because April and I never really talk game; we just tell each other about ourselves. But as time went by, I realized that April might be a serious asset to me (one that I didn't want to share). At this point, I'm torn. Is April a threat to the rest of the newbies but not to me? Or is she just as dangerous to my lifespan in the game?
The last thing I want to mention is Ragan's outburst before his eviction. It seems that most of his rant was fabricated. Something about sharing a twist with Dustin didn't seem believable. And while I certainly raised an eyebrow about the Porsche/Renny rumour, I wasn't too concerned. The real issue was Ragan defending his comment about Jordan being a "temporary player," to borrow the term from Christine on Survivor. Porsche herself ratted out Ragan to Jordan about this comment (which I find fishy). But she also mentioned it to other houseguests as well. How can we possibly know which person told Ragan that Jordan knew what he had said? As Porsche expressed these misgivings to me, I couldn't help but wonder about how close Porsche and Jordan really are. To top it off, Porsche then interrogated Jun about indirectly offering Jordan some kind of deal. Jun was deny-deny-denying until Porsche provided the textual evidence. As Jun continued to deflect, it became even clearer that both she and Porsche have been facilitating alliances with practically everyone in the house, both together and alone.
In the end, I find myself itching for Jun to be evicted from the house. My oscillating trust in her is just not enough. The truth is this: she knows way too much about me and I don't know that she isn't relaying my information back to others; it seems like precisely the kind of game she came in to play. If I win HoH, I can't say I'd nominate her. But if someone like Karen or Sarah wins... Well, then I'll have to work my magic and see what happens.
